I've been studying my modeling skills. Besides maybe needing to tone up a little, the only thing that really needs work is my facial expressions. This is kind of ironic, because in real life, I'm such an expressive person. I use my face and my voice and gestures to make sure that my point gets across. But, somehow, when I take pose, I can't seem to capture the essential spark which makes a decent amateur model a real model(at least in my opinion).

When you study yourself over and over in pictures, it's easy to know exactly where your faults are. And also understand how eating disorders and the like come about. I look at models I admire, and compare their poses and expressions to my own modeling, and see what I can learn from them. Besides the fact that I really need to start using acne cream again. And stop crashing my bike.

At times I can't believe that I, a self proclaimed uber-feminist, chose to participate in such a hobby. Modeling? The poisonous industry that chews girls up and spits them out? How dare I!

I know that I'll never be a runway or commercial model, which is really what people mean when they say "model." But the fact that I'm participating in something that requires me to rely on how I look is...surprising, to say the least.

In high school I was a little judgmental(okay, a lot judgmental) of anyone who wanted to be a model. I'd turn up my nose and think to myself, "don't they want to be anything more than just a pretty face?"

Jealousy is quite a thing. I doubt I'll ever truly conquer it. But, at the very least, I can try and overcome it.

And here's the part that's about feminism. Women are taught to be jealous in America. At least, that's been my experience. And it's probably true in other western places as well. It's easy enough to say, "Don't be jealous! It holds back happiness and women's rights! We should help each other!" But doing it...that's quite another matter.



Photography by Bill; March 2006.