The following is a picture that I thought would never be posted publically, and certainly not by me.

 

 

December, 2005?

I found it organizing the multitudes of images on my computer.  I remember being very uncomfortable- it was not a picture I wanted taken.  The photographer talked me into it, saying that he would only use it if it was cropped and you couldn’t see anything graphic.  I wrote a “no pink” aside note on the release form, just in case.

I would have no problem having a picture like this taken of myself today.

Recently on the website bondage.com I had some images of myself go up- some of which were very graphic.  I’ve grown much more comfortable over the monthes about content- I no longer have a “no spreads” rule, for instance.

I’m unsure of why this is.  It’s possible that I’ve just given into the pressure to be more explicit, or to be more appealing to both viewers and photographers.  It’s also possible that I’m just more comfortable with my body.

I’ve gotten the “slippery slope” lecture from various people, and have never given it much weight.  But time seems to suggest that maybe I should.  Will a year later find me doing insertions?  How about G/G, or B/G?  When does an anal gang bang on film start to look okay to me?

I don’t want to take on an elistist attitude that a lot of people who are right on the edge of the pornographic seem to get- “Oh, I’d never do that!  I’m too good for that!”

But if I’m not too good for those things, and my comfort level changes, should I do them?

 

 

June, 2006

When this picture was taken of me, the photographer, Bob Coulter, showed me the image right away on his camera.  He knew that I was uncomfortable with certain things, and wanted to make sure it wasn’t too explicit.  I assured him it wasn’t- and was surprised and happy that he had taken the trouble to ask me.  The first person the photograph me, Gary, also let me know when a photo he was taking may have been a little explicit.  Jim Duvall let me look over and delete one of the photographs he took of me for bondage.com.  All three have very, very different styles in both character and photography, but those episodes stand out in my mind, marking them as great and recommended photographers.

On January 12, 2006, I created a blog entitled “Feminism Without Clothes.”

Feminism Without Clothes: a timeline.

December 11, 2005- the domain candyposes.com is purchased.

Jan 12th, 2006- the first post.

May 2nd, 2006- Feminism Without Clothes participates in Blogging Against Disablism day.

May 5, 2006- Reviewed in Jane’s Guide.

Jul 11th, 2006- Six Months Old.

Aug 7th, 2006-Aug 15th, 2006- The Body Image Series.

August 16, 2006- mentioned in Carnival of Feminists XXI.

Sep 8th, 2006- the 100th post.

Sep 29, 2006- mentioned on Fleshbot.

December 31, 2006- Winner of the “Best Model Blog” award from the Fluffytek Photographic Art blog.

Goals regarding Feminism Without Clothes:

I’d like my writing to improve, and to continue to explore “deeper” topics related to modeling, women, and society; when I first began this blog, I didn’t realize exactly what a huge topic I was tackling. My motto was, “feminism is about choice, and I choose to model nude!” As time has gone on, I’ve realized that it’s not as simple as that. What are the larger rammifications of nude modeling, and related industries/activities?

I’d like to keep the photography in this blog of a high -or higher- quality.

I’d like to find a happy medium regarding what I share about my personal life.

And I’d like to thank everyone who bothers to read this blog. It’s been a place for me to document my evolution as a model and as a feminist, and having an audience to provide feedback and insight has helped that process.

Thank you.

 

I can be incredibly stubborn and contrary sometimes.

The more photographers ask if I could trim or shave my bush for their shoot, the more stubborn I get about not doing it.

In my previous entry, I blogged about my worries that being a public feminist would hurt my marketability- that some people might not want to work with me because of it. Someone commented that, yes, because I’m a feminist, he’d never hire me. My concern was validated.

My immediate reaction: I don’t want to work with that asshole!

I know that things like this will hurt me in the long run, but I think that they’ve also helped me to get to an amazing place. I wasn’t sure that I’d actually be able to make a living doing this- but when people in my life expressed their own doubts about it, I just knew that I had to prove them wrong.

I tend to take things involving the words “don’t,” “can’t” and “won’t” when directed at me as challenges. Of course I can do that! In fact, I’m going to do that!

I can only hope that I’ll find a way to only do this selectively, and not take everything as a dare. Only most.

 

 

 

Photography by Bob Coulter, June 2006.   

Oh, and by the way, some photographs of me taken by the wonderful Jim Duvall are up on the one and the only Bondage.com; they’re the first of several sets of images. I’ve also got some new photos(from Saturday!) up in Moraxian’s Gameroom. I also managed to get Moraxian to tie up my friend Lucy North, too- her debut gallery is now up. 

The word “feminist” carries a lot of negative connotations.  A lot of people associate it with lesbianism (and not the “hot” kind found in pornography produced by and for men), unshaven armpits, and anger.  It’s also associated with ugly.

I worry that, by labeling myself a feminist in such a public manner, I’m hurting my marketability as a model- who wants to work with a feminist?  Even if you look at my extensive portfolio, and read positive testimonials of photographers who have worked with me before, it’s probably impossible to get rid of the residual “ew” that some people connect with feminism.

When I first started this blog, I thought I was helping to break down stereotypes.  While I like to think that I show a view of a feminist that’s different from what most people think of when they hear the word, I’ve also helped to uphold others- this blog does very little to promote a wide spectrum of feminist views and opinions, not to mention different feminists themselves.

This isn’t necessarily wrong or bad; Feminism Without Clothes is a personal, one-woman blog.  I’m under no obligation to present anyone’s viewpoint other than my own.

I’m not the exception to the rule, nor am I representitive of a new brand of feminism.  I just am.  There is no rule, and there is no one new brand.

 

Photography by Vincent Smith, October 2006.

In three months, I will be doing something the likes of which I have never done before.

I’m going to be moving from the Washington, DC area.

I will be going to Seattle.

The idea of moving is so huge- and has always been inconcievable for my entire adult life.  I’ve lived a long time with the mindset, “You’re too sick to do that” regarding a good deal of things.

Realizing that, no, I’m not too sick to do that is scary.  Deciding that, not only am I well enough to do that, I’m going to do it, is petrifying.

I really don’t have anything more to write about regarding it, except that I’m feeling overwhelmed, and nervous, and, of course, scared out of my mind.

I have never done anything like this before.

Happy 2007, everyone.

 

Photography by toan thai photography, taken in November, 2006.  

My friend and housemate Marisa sent me these link with a sentence starting “you may already know about this book…”

I did already know, but thank you for reminding me.

From an article about photographer Frank Cordelle and the Century Project:

The gist of his project, he explains, is to document women of all ages as they truly are, from an infant at the moment of birth through a centenarian in her last years. While that may not sound so controversial, there’s a reason Cordelle’s work shows at nudist resorts and colleges instead of museums, and why he had such a hell of a time getting his book published. His photos, although profoundly moving to some viewers, come as a shock to many, particularly when viewed out of context. Nude depictions of children and seniors are by nature taboo in a culture rooted in Puritanism. And most, although not all, of his subjects bear physical or mental scars, or struggle with their body image. Some are obese, anorexic, or bulimic. Some have been raped or abused. Some are afflicted with disease, while others have inflicted pain upon themselves.

The Century Project- the book- can be purchased here. 

Photography by Vincent Smith, taken in October, 2006.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Marisa! Remember, 30 is the new 20!

Welcome to the new and improved Feminism Without Clothes!  I’m finally hosting my own blog again, and enjoying the sexiness that is wordpress.  The URL for this blog is http://candyposes.com/blog (although other candyposes.com pages will now redirect to it), so if you’re going to link to me, that’s the one to use.

 

 

 

Photograph by Martini, October 2006.    

I know most of the time I like being a model. But sometimes, I just feel so bad about what I do. “Don’t you have anything better to do with your life? Something where you use your brain and not your tits? Something where you actually help people?”

I write about how what I do isn’t personally my art, and how I’m not empowered by it- and they absolutely refuse to believe it. They say that I’m wrong, that it is my art, and that I am empowered by it.

And here’s the joke- I’m this feminist in the blogosphere. My blog is getting more and more hits per day- over 800 or so on average, as of today.

Happy holidays.

Photography by toan thai photography, taken in November, 2006.

As promised.

I’ve been debating about whether or not I should write about this incident. I’ve decided to, but leave it intentionally vague.

At a recent shoot, something happened that I wasn’t comfortable with. True, I never specifically said, “I’m uncomfortable with this” before the shoot- but I felt that it was something I should have been told about beforehand. It was iffy territory regarding my personal modeling limits.

My first thought was, “stop the shoot right now! You’re not comfortable with this!”

My second thought was, “well, maybe it’s not so bad.”

My third thought was, “don’t say anything, you’ll be 100 dollars richer after this.”

So, I didn’t say anything. I let the shoot keep going for a while. And then- I stopped it. It was just that point where I could not let myself go on feeling like I was feeling. I was fairly upset afterwards- a little at the photographer, who didn’t tell me exactly what the last set of images was going to consist of exactly- and a lot at me, for not stopping the shoot right away. When it comes down to it, it’s not worth putting yourself through shit like this just for some dough.

But it revealed a part of me that I’m not proud of- a part that puts money before her own comfort level, a part that’s scared to speak up, a part that I’d rather keep hidden from everyone, especially myself.

But I think that I have to write about something like this- this is one of the most effective tools I have for self-expression, even in a polished, limited fashion.

There will be another occasion when something like this happens again, and I hope that, next time around, I will be powerful enough to do what I have to do without hesitation, and without putting myself through needless distress.

Photograph by the marvelous Martini, and featuring the fabulous Isobel Wren. October 2006.

Waking Vixen Audacia Ray, who was kind enough to not only send me fan mail when I was just crawling out into the cyberworld of getting naked but meet me for sandwiches in NYC as well, is the executive editor of $pread Magazine. From their mission statement:

$pread is a quarterly, glossy magazine by and for sex workers and those who support their rights. The magazine has a focus on personal experiences and political insights, and contains practical information like news, features, health columns, and resources related to the sex industry. $pread builds community in the sex trade by featuring the honest and diverse perspectives of those who know it best: the women and men who work within this sensationalized, highly stereotyped industry.

However, due to no fault of its own, $pread has fallen upon hard times. Consider visiting $pread’s website and making a donation or buying a subscription.

Photograph by Martini. October 2006.

Photography by Jim Duvall. December, 2006

As promised, two new (and very different) photos of me.