Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Another picture.

So, I'm not sure what to blog about. Life is good, personally. I'm slowly but surely getting better from a devastating breakup. There's a shoot with someone I'm really looking forward to on Friday- I'm going all the way up to NYC for it! I'm loving my new place(I've been living here for two months), and deciding to not get a real job was probably wise on my part.

As for feminism- well, sometimes ranting about it is depressing. Don't blame me for that one. So, instead, here's a naked picture.

Photography by Joshua, June 2006.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

My First Time...

No, not that first time, pervs.

My first actual photoshoot. I was really lucky to have worked with a great photographer. He's just started a new blog, so I thought I'd not only link to him, but let everyone know that even though I was very nervous, as only boyfriends had photographed me before, he made me feel at ease and the pictures he took are still a wonderful part of my collection, even though I've been on many a photoshoot since then.

So, everyone go to Gary's blog. If my first photoshoot had been a bad experience, or even a mediocre one, I would have never continued to pursue this.

Here's a favorite of mine.

Photograph by Gary. November 2005.

Thursday, June 22, 2006


I’m currently (sort of) making a living doing something that can be interpreted as risky. I very, very rarely go to shoots with an escort, and a lot of the people I shoot with I’ve met that same day.

However, in the eight or so months that I’ve been modeling, I’ve never had a negative experience. This leads me to believe that I’ll be okay in the future, provided that I keep my wits about me.

Since I’m interested in expanding into slightly more sexual and light fetish photography, I thought it was a good idea to draw up a list of things I won’t do (penetration, pain, explicit spread shots), and a couple of common-sense things (ask permission before touching me to help rearrange an outfit, business relationships should remain as such, etc).

I sent this list to a photographer I was interested in working with after we had exchanged several emails. This was primarily tasteful bondage photography. He wrote back saying that while he agreed and followed everything in my list, he interpreted it as “hostile,” and assumed that I was in a bad place, and would prefer not to work with me.

That’s certainly a downer. I asked a friend who’s a writer for advice, and he helped me add some details that make the list not so abrupt, but I’m still pondering something. Hopefully, something like this won't happen again in the future.

How does one draw the line between being safe, and being friendly and easy to work with? How can I look out for myself, and not become paranoid, or worry about being exploited?

These questions are hardly exclusive to what I’m doing at the moment. As young women, it’s easy to feel vulnerable. It’s not just that society tells us that we are- it’s that we know people who it’s happened to before. We all know someone who’s been taken advantage of, who’s had something slipped into her drink- or, maybe, we are her.

How to deal with this is on my mind, but I know that I can’t let fear stop me from doing things that I enjoy doing, and have every right to do.

Photography by Mike, taken in June, 2006.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I'm not a feminist, but...

“I’m not a feminist, but…”

We've all heard that before, and it always, always wants to make me scream. God forbid that someone should be considered a feminist, of all things! And it’s nearly almost always followed by some utterly common sense statement- that is, of course, feminist.

Well, I’ve got some bad news for everyone out there who’s ever said, “I’m not a feminist, but…” You’re a feminist. Sorry to break it to you, but you are. If you have to preface the things that you think and say by using those words, all you’re doing is making it even more obvious.

Welcome to the club. Don't worry, you can still look at naked pictures.

Photography by Mike, taken in June, 2006.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Nudity vs. Sexuality.

So, I've decided that my job sucks. And that I'm not going to do it anymore. So, I've quit.

Of course, there is the whole issue of rent and food, which I don't see going away anytime in the future. I've started helping my landlord/housemate with some of his workload for credit towards rent, and I've stepped up my modeling. Particularly, I've started, in addition to doing photography, being an artist's model as well.

I'm enjoying myself, and it would appear that there's a very big demand for figure models. For some reason, there aren't a lot of people who are good at standing still naked- or, rather, willing to stand still naked.

I was discussing this with my older housemate, and he was pointing out that most people associate nudity with sexuality. Being nude is, somehow, automatically sexual. Hell, even being a young attractive(in the mainstream, purely superficial sense) woman is sexual, clothes or no. This is probably why there aren't more figure models out there. And, trust me, it's not sexual. But most people have trouble wrapping their minds around how one could be nude in front of one or more people, and not be in a sexual situation.

That said, I'm not afraid of modeling in a sexual fashion. My limits have to do with my own comfort levels, and my own sense of safety. When I was in a relationship, my limits were also dictated by my partner's comfort level- as I'm single at the moment, it's a void matter. In the future, my partners will just have to be comfortable with whatever I'm comfortable with.

I wish that people could just find it within themselves to throw out the code of ethics that was forced upon them, and create their own personal system that lets them live in peace with others and with themselves. I'm not saying that I've accomplished such a thing- not even close- but I've found that I don't have a problem with what I'm doing at the moment. In fact, I'm enjoying it.

Photography by Mike, taken in June, 2006.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Stand Up.

When I was 15, an "abstinence only" educator was brought in to give a special presentation to each of the health classes in my public high school.

The grand finale of her little "don't have sex" performance was a metaphor involving tape.

Masking tape. You know, the sticky kind. Tape.

Her argument was this:

When you have sex with someone, you're bonding. You're attaching yourself to someone. But, then, if you break up, you remove that special bonding tape. And it hurts coming off. Not only that, but when you decide to have sex with another person, your tape that bonds you to that person isn't as sticky as it was before. And, with the next person, it's even less sticky. Have sex with too many people, and sex will lose its effect to increase your bond with another person.

Now, I wasn't an idiot. I knew that something was wrong with trivializing all human emotions and sexuality down to a tape metaphor. That this was a stupid idea, and that she was wasting time she could have spent actually helping us, instead of threatening us with tape.

But, you know what? I didn't say anything. No one did. I didn't tell her that she was wrong, and I should have. "Sex educators" should be just that: educators. And they shouldn't tell us about how sex is like masking tape.

It goes beyond that. I look back, and I'm only 20, about all the times I saw or heard something that, for whatever reason, didn't sit right with me. Yet, I said nothing. I knew something was off, or wrong, but it either wasn't my place, or no one else was speaking up, or it wasn't my job to say something. So I didn't.

Looking at the state of the world, I'm willing to guess that I'm not the only one who hasn't been standing up.

Planned Parenthood
Amnesty International
Feminist Majority
Code Pink
Write Your Representative
Write Your Senator
American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee
Human Rights Campaign
National Coalition to Abolish the Death Penalty

Feel free to add your own.

Photography by Bill; March 2006.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


I've been studying my modeling skills. Besides maybe needing to tone up a little, the only thing that really needs work is my facial expressions. This is kind of ironic, because in real life, I'm such an expressive person. I use my face and my voice and gestures to make sure that my point gets across. But, somehow, when I take pose, I can't seem to capture the essential spark which makes a decent amateur model a real model(at least in my opinion).

When you study yourself over and over in pictures, it's easy to know exactly where your faults are. And also understand how eating disorders and the like come about. I look at models I admire, and compare their poses and expressions to my own modeling, and see what I can learn from them. Besides the fact that I really need to start using acne cream again. And stop crashing my bike.

At times I can't believe that I, a self proclaimed uber-feminist, chose to participate in such a hobby. Modeling? The poisonous industry that chews girls up and spits them out? How dare I!

I know that I'll never be a runway or commercial model, which is really what people mean when they say "model." But the fact that I'm participating in something that requires me to rely on how I look is...surprising, to say the least.

In high school I was a little judgmental(okay, a lot judgmental) of anyone who wanted to be a model. I'd turn up my nose and think to myself, "don't they want to be anything more than just a pretty face?"

Jealousy is quite a thing. I doubt I'll ever truly conquer it. But, at the very least, I can try and overcome it.

And here's the part that's about feminism. Women are taught to be jealous in America. At least, that's been my experience. And it's probably true in other western places as well. It's easy enough to say, "Don't be jealous! It holds back happiness and women's rights! We should help each other!" But doing it...that's quite another matter.

Photography by Bill; March 2006.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

SeeCandyBleed and the Single Girl.

Before I begin, let me stress that this is not, in any way, shape or form, a personal ad. I do not want to sleep with you. And, yes, this is from my other website. So what?

It looks as if I'm going to be entering singledom again. I'm not going to go over details as to why my relationship came to a close, because I'd prefer to keep my love life personal.

I'm certainly not planning on finding someone else for a good long time, or even having a friends-with-benefits sort of thing. I'm perfectly happy to be celibate for a while.

However, the distant future of my romantic/sex life is quite the puzzle. How exactly does one tell a potential mate that not only are you a nude model, but you run a menstruation porn/art site? That you post naked pictures of yourself on the internet? That, in essence, you take your clothes off for money?

I'm sure I have both female and male admirers, and there are those in my offline life who think what I'm doing is, at the very least, interesting- but that doesn't mean that any of those people would be willing the accept that in a mate, much less embrace it.

There's no way in hell I'm going to stop doing what I do- but it certainly puts me in a quandary concerning future partners.